Something her husband said has been eating at Cheryl.  She can’t turn it off and she gets more hurt and angry every time the thoughts turn over in her head.  

Cheryl can’t wait to get these thoughts and feelings off of her chest.  She needs to say all of these things to Bob so that they will stop burning a hole inside of her. 

Bob has never like conflict.  When things get tense he reflexively tries pacify others, or become invisible until the storm blows over.  “I can’t believe you said that yesterday…”.  Cheryl’s voice and facial expression tell Bob that this is a dangerous situation.  

He goes through the normal progression: try to reason, explain why it isn’t that big of a deal, apologize, offer to make it right.  Bob feels like he is tap dancing for his life.  

Cheryl feels like he is trying to find the right thing to say to make everything ok again…to make her not be upset.  Instead of calming things down, it pours gas on the fire.  

Cheryl doesn’t feel heard, so she takes things up a notch. The very thing Bob was trying to avoid.  

Time for evasive maneuvers.  Bob starts looking through papers on the counter in order to break eye contact in hopes that his wife will drop the subject.  She gets more upset. 

He tries to become very still, not say anything, while looking at his wife who is becoming more animated by the minute.  Bob’s eyes are pointed towards Cheryl, but she can tell that he is a million miles away.  

Never mind what the original topic was, now Cheryl feels more hurt and angry that Bob isn’t hearing her.  She is getting louder and more demonstrative in an attempt to get her husband to engage.  

The more intense she gets, the further away Bob becomes.  

They have been here many times before.  Most conflicts follow a similar pattern.  

Sometimes it ends when Cheryl gives up and walks away feeling more hurt and angry than when she started.  

Sometimes Bob feels like a cornered animal and lashes out to make the conversation stop at all costs.  It definitely comes at a cost.  

Neither one of them likes this dance.  They haven’t found a way to talk about tough topics without ending up in the same place.  

They truly do love each other- Bob and Cheryl desperately want to find a way out of this rut.  It steals more of their life each year. 

This is the Pursue - Withdraw cycle that shows up in a lot of marriages.  It is miserable.  It feels hopeless over time. 

This pattern shows up in so many of the couples I work with.  They describe their story and ask if there is hope get out of this rut.  They desperately want something better. 

It is a joy to tell them that there is hope.  That there is a way to get out of this rut.  That the pursuer can feel heard, and the withdrawer can feel safe.  

When I start describing the Pursue - Withdraw cycle and how it works, it describes them so well that they think I have been spying on them at home.  

There is a way out.  There is a way through.  There is a way to create a marriage where you and your spouse feel safe, feel heard, and don’t get stuck in the same cycle all of the time.  

If this pattern describes your marriage, please give me a call to find out more about how to create the marriage you have always wanted.  No matter how bad it has been.